Steven Wright Quotes
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'
Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright Profile
December 6, 1955
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