Phyllis Diller Quotes
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller Profile
July 17, 1917
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